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Friday, 31 January 2014

Chapter 11: Last day/ Hopeless

by Arjuun Sahay  |  in series at  Friday, January 31, 2014

On being released from the hospital, I rode the wheelchair out the door. I wasn’t so weak that I could not walk, but some kind of hospital policy. I thought this was hospital way of telling us, hey look we know we are a shitty hospital but at least we give you people free wheelchair rides, come back again. I smiled. Mostly because of the thought which was in my head but also because, I felt that I have just been released from jail. I told the orderly that he will miss pushing me around, but that old guy didn’t even crack a smile.

Sagar was waiting for me outside the hospital. I quickly jumped into his car as I just wanted to go back to my comfortable seven-foot bed and also get my mobile phone some juice. This was the first time I was living like a caveman as my cell phone has been switched off for more than a day. I wondered how many miss calls I would have got. Then all of a sudden a feeling of rage started to swoop over me. I was burning up again, and this time not because of fever but because my girlfriend failed to call me in six days. Being angry is one thing, but at least she should have called to check on me, I could have died at the hospital toilet.

Upon reaching home, I was all riled up and wanted to tell her how I feel. I quickly plugged in my phone in charging and looked for a change of clothes. I told Sagar how inconsiderately she was acting and asked his opinion whether I should breakup with her or not. I really didn’t care what he thought; I just wanted to tell someone how awful she was. Sagar started saying something, to which I hardly paid attention. My mind was fixed on giving her an earful of what I thought about her. I booted up my phone, and it had charged a meagre 4 percent. Then all the notification started rolling in. I looked at my mobile screen and each time my phone notification bell rang, it pushed me towards a new step of depression.  I had no messages of care from anyone, only message close enough to care was my boss asking about my health. And I knew why he was asking that so he can give me more work. I scrolled down and found a message from Pooja. At that moment all my anger had evaporated like the rain in the desert, and I was just happy that she still cared.

I quickly called her trying to control my tears in front of Sagar as he sat on the couch looking at my various actions. The phone was switched off. So, I called again just to be sure and the robotic voice told me the same message. I quickly opened the message to read what she has written.

Hey Arush, I waited for your call. But that call never came. I guess you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I waited for your call for five days, and each day I waited, my heart broke into little pieces. I couldn’t take it and I called you. But I guess you were out having fun as your phone was switched off or maybe you just didn’t want to talk to me. I am sorry if I have caused you any displeasure but believe me I really love you. So I am going away, I really hoped that you could have been there to see me off at the airport. Goodbye, love you.”

As I completed reading the message, I found myself incapable to move my body. Sagar enquired as to what happened. I didn’t reply. After two or three times of addressing me with no reply, he finally shouted at me. ‘What the hell happened, Arush?’ his yelling finally brought me back to my senses. I showed him the message. After reading the message, he just stood there quietly. I understood there was nothing he can say that would make me feel better. What could anyone have said at that point?
After an hour Sagar also left. He insisted on staying with me, but I wanted to be alone. I looked around the room and found just emptiness. The fridge was empty, the room was empty and my life-just felt empty. I knew she must have removed her sim-card upon landing there, yet I kept trying to call her. The split second moments between the call connecting and the robotic voice telling me the phone is switched off was my moment of hope. I don’t even remember how many times I called her number. I started to feel like a mad person, expecting a different result doing a same stupid thing.

I wanted to cry, but not a drop of tear came to my dry eyes. I walked around the apartment feeling sorry for myself, and then I remembered, I live in twenty first century, and I could contact her over Facebook. I quickly jumped on my bed, opened my laptop and typed in Facebook. In my excitement, I couldn’t even spell her name right in the search. But I when I finally did, I was left in dismay. Her profile didn’t show up, and I could not understand it. I checked her name in my friend list and she was not in there too. She had deactivated her Facebook account.

Bedrooms, it’s a place where we lie down, close our eyes, let everything go and just go to sleep. I on the other hand stared at the ceiling. I could not fathom the thought of her not being in my life. This would have been the time, we would be exchanging our good-nights and I will tell her how much I love her, and she would just smile. She had totally moved herself away from me so much so that I couldn’t even feel her presence, and I had no way of contacting her. I wondered how in six days I lost the best thing that happened in my life.

I was feeling depressed, and here is a thing, when I am depressed my brain starts to think of weird things. Believe me these are not just common run of a mill stupid thing to think of, I think of some high class stupid/weird shit which only my brain can conjure up. Like sitting alone in my apartment, I started thinking of becoming a drunk. I like the idea romantically of becoming a drunk. Sitting in my boxers all day, and everyone who loves me says he is destroying his life away. I will not give a fuck about that, and just keep drinking. Reaching office all drunk and telling my boss I love his wife, even though I haven’t seen her once. Then I remembered, I can’t be a drunk as I get too tired after two drinks and I’ll go to sleep. How pathetic I was that I was too lazy to be a drunk. That made me just think of Pooja again, and how she could chug down a whole pint of beer. This is just a vicious circle. (1) Think of something to forget Pooja (2) keep thinking (3) add Pooja in that thought (4) be sad again (5) Think of something else now.

Next few days, were the same, till…


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