Well it was a night before Christmas, and not a creature was awake, except me! I had my reasons for being awake, I had to meet Santa and ask him to bring back my sanity. I met with Sagar this evening and he gave me news which was quite disturbing. A feeling I would best describe as getting suckered punched. You don’t know where that punch came from, but it knocks you out. Well, the news was; my ex is getting married in January. I was with Pooja, so this shouldn’t bother me, I tried to convince myself. However, my mind or should I say my heart was having different opinion. My feelings of suffering were getting convoluted, as I was still not able to decide what was really troubling me.
That night sitting alone, strange thoughts were running in my head. Pooja had gone back to her hometown, and even though I wanted to call her, I couldn’t. Parents, although you are independent and living alone, you don’t dare to tell your family about that bloke you are dating. I wondered what I would say even if I could call her. It is not that I can tell her that I am sad because my ex is getting married. I can imagine her reaction. ‘You are still in love with your ex or have you ever thought about us getting married’. The conversation would shift from my sadness to telling her that I am sorry. I would be sorry for having an emotion, which was out of my control. I didn’t want to feel this way, and frankly I didn’t even know why I was so glum.
‘Good night baby, miss you,’ I sent a message to Pooja. I didn’t want her to get any wrong ideas. This was the first time after we got into a relationship that, she was away, let alone go to sleep without talking to each other. Few minutes later my phone rang. I was a little surprised, Pooja managed to sneak a phone call as she told me her room was adjacent to her parents, and walls were really thin. I looked at my phone and it was an unknown number, yet the number looked familiar. After the fourth bell, It hit me, it was my ex’s sisters number. My mind raced with many thoughts, ‘why is her sister calling, is it her, should I pick it up’. My phone stopped ringing, and it was complete silence in the room for next few seconds. It was deafening silence that any poet would describe as darkness, as my head was completely blank. I was standing still holding the phone in my hand. It was an experience that shook me up as though I had received a call from a person who has been dead for ten years. This is just great. It was not enough that I was having trouble dealing with her being married, now she was trying to rub my face into it also. My confusing emotions were turning into emotions of rage and anger. Nevertheless I had to decide, whether I should call her back or should I ignore it like my ignored prayers to God when I wished her to be back.
I enjoy silence of the night. It is like inexpressible music and my thoughts are the lyrics to that song, which makes it hauntingly beautiful. I was imagining my ex with someone else, but why was it making me uncomfortable? I was starting to wonder, if Pooja was just a distraction and I was still in love with my ex. A fight between my heart and brain was escalating, with both sides giving their arguments. I was a judge, and I was really a bad one. I couldn’t decide whether sensible arguments of the brain were right or emotional claims brought forward by my heart. Then finally I figured it out. The only one, who could solve my problem, is the one who started it.
I called back the unknown number. It began to ring, I was curling my toes in anticipation of hearing a familiar voice. It ranged again, and I started to pace around in my room.
‘Hello-Arush…?’ it was her. This was the same voice which was my night lullaby and morning alarm for two years.
‘You called?’ I asked trying to sound cold and impersonal.
‘Well, I met with Sagar yesterday and I guess you might have heard the news by now’ she said. Hearing her voice was like walking bare feet on a concrete floor on a hot summer day with scorching heat beating down, and with each step, it hurts.
‘Yes, Sagar told me. I am really happy for you.’ We were talking like we both were avoiding saying that she is getting married. ‘So anything else I could help you with?’ I asked, sounding like a call centre employee.
‘No, it just things haven’t been good between us for so long, I just wanted to know how you were doing.’ She said and I felt insulted. Well it was a funny thing to say, after someone dumps you and leaves you heartbroken. She didn’t pick up my calls, and didn’t reply to my messages. She had totally blocked me out of her life and now she is worried how I am doing. Last time I saw her was when I was on a blind date with Lara. Mental note, I have get back in touch with Lara.
‘You don’t have to worry about me, I am fine, and I am with someone these days.’ I said.
‘Yes, we meet at that restaurant and you were with some girl.’ She responded.
‘No-no, she was just a friend, I am with Pooja.’ I don’t know why, but I felt really good telling her about Pooja.
‘That is good to hear,’ she stuttered, it was silent again for next few seconds, then she said ‘you know I miss you Arush.’
‘I would be lying if I say, I missed you too, Listen it’s late I will call you some other time, take care bye.’ I responded and disconnected the call. Truth is, as soon she said she missed me, something became clear to me. I realised since Pooja came into my life, I have not once thought about my ex. She had become a bandage to my broken heart. She was the one who kept up with all my whining and most of all made me happy. If she didn’t go back to her home town, I wouldn’t even have been thinking about all this.
I picked up my phone. I just wanted to convey all my feeling of love to her at that moment. I guess she was missing me too, as her name started flashing on my phone.
‘Hey baby, I was missing you so much, I was just about to message you,’ I said after picking up her call.
‘Why was your phone busy?’ she probed.
‘I was talking to Karan,’ I replied, my words didn’t sound too convincing.
‘No, YOU WERE NOT, it’s his birthday and you still haven’t wished him, I just wished him.’